I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
