Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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