You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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