here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
