i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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