My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
