Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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