She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Randomize
