FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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