Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
