if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
