im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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