My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
