i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I need to align my fucking chakras
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
