Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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