I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
