There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
