ugly people sure do ruin things
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
