i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
