Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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