Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
