He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
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Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
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Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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