Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
