miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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