My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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