My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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