After last night, I could never be a politician.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
