Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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