You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
