i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
i now understand why vodka
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Please don't give away my fajitas
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
