I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
