Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
They have beer where we have blood.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
