I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
