yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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