youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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