YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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