I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
