I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
