Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
