Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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