I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
