Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
