He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
