I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
