Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
