there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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