I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
high people should be assigned attendants
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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