The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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