I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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