Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
