when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
