don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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