If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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