atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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