Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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