I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
