she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
