Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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