3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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