dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
