my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
