help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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